Event - Knight Riders 'epic tale'
by Peter - Page 4
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The Knight Riders - an epic tale of yesteryears.
Day Three/Four
….and here we come to the tragic bit…..ahhh ummm tiitti bum titti bummm…..
yes, it is the Engineer’s tale – as I like to be known after my masterly help and intervention to the plight of Leader (OLT-BAAC, you will recall).
(Addendum: I have been corrected on some of my prior submissions, as a result of legal advice, (see later), I should clarify some minor discrepancies – Brothey cottage is properly named Boffey Cottage, on account that many people who stay there have complained about the size of the cottage (durhhh…that’s WHY it is called cottage and not house!!…Thick or what?)…and having to sleep on the floor, glad to put that right…thanks Dave).
(any other E & OE will be considered on their merits and Editors decision is binding and subject to Kosovan or Somali jurisdiction…final arbiter being High court of Northern Cyprus…can’t say fairer than that I feel).
(OLT-NBAAC says he does NOT have a LandRover or a DEFENDER, it is a top-of-the-range NEW FREELOADER with special Indian Maharajah only added features…special leather jacket free offer innit?).
Anyway….we are ensconced in our luxury accommodation at the Crown & Crossed Swords Hotel, Shotley Bridge…tarry a while here if you will…..things did not look good on arrival when Quasimodo welcomed us with ‘only two rooms booked…the bells, the bells’ we were not put off by the slavering, but slightly dismayed at sharing again….well others were…I was sanguine about this, realising I was last in the pecking order and would have to accept what ever I was eventually given….I did observe that Leader had the luxury en-suite room and was sharing with another camp-follower, some jezebel floozy called Ginny.. leader claimed as a wife, strange customs in Consett … maybe its that mixture of lead, steel non-production and coal in the air (or water)…so the three of us had to result to Cumberland wrestling for the remaining room….needless to say I lost and was given a space in the barn with the bikes…
It would be remiss not to mention the ‘celebrateory’ last supper…after supping a few Ales with the ‘Characters’ in the bar ..curiously, Ginny seemed very paly with a rather large, well endowed, tattooed lady of indeterminate age…we never did see who actually went into that large, luxury, en-suite bedroom with Leader…that curious, enigmatic smile he had next morning together with his unusually warm and even more unusually, kind, morning greeting, leads to questions that should be answered, not least by his first wife….(is he Mormon or Islamic in faith?).
After consultation of various I-phones and Blackberries (How does a fruit connect with the Internet?….technology…it’s a wonder isn’t it?)…we democratically decided on Luigi’s as a good example of eating local and experiencing local, typical Durham County cuisine…well, that was how Barry sold this to us and informed us it was booked when we timidly suggested that perhaps Cumberland sausages would be preferred and preferably stuffed up certain members other orifices….peace and quiet at last!!
However, to be fair (a first I hear you say?) the meal was an outstanding success, we didn’t stop laughing and our host, Luigi, (name changed in case one of his three former wives traces him) was a hoot and once informed of Advocates Trade we feasted in fine style and only six times did we have to listen why it wasn’t his ‘f---king fault’ and why ‘the beetches takea so mucha my moneya’ …’ees why I hava to charge so mucha da money for dee dinner’ (we felt it not politic to correct diction or point out this was supper).
Leaving Advocate to finish touches to a few contracts he had negotiated…..(two for death threats to former wives…to leave off …or else (horses heads seem to be a major clause)…and one for the Supreme Court of Kosovo, joint with the Supreme and World High Court of Somali on how to pirate back Restaurant funds clawed back by wimmin in an unfair and unjust way…sealed with Newcastle Brown and McKewans Export (lots of it).
We all deemed it a fantastic end and fitting start to the final lap next morning, all downhill (oh yes?) to Sunny Sunderland, home of that ungainly Seaplane and another corner of depressed, industrial wasteland in glorious ENGLAND …..legacy of the white-hot technological revolution, ‘pound in your pocket…’ (Harold Wilson – Old Labour), Laissez-Faire, ‘there is no such thing as society’ (Marge Thatcher – Tory Grand Mistress) and last but not least Tony Blair (Teflon Labour) compounded by Gordon Brown (Chancellor par excellence ..Fred the Shred a REAL friend)…..we can make our way in the world by SERVICE industry….what a bunch of Bankers or better in Greek …Malakas (said with vehemence).
Enough of this unpleasant phlegm in my mouth and that is BEFORE we get on our bikes……
Day 4 and final Day dawns…….
Advocate and myself deposited at Morrisons car park to await others in party and bikes…..Barry back in favour as fond farewells from Ginny (is it group R&R?) and we are away…..past other great metal sculptures such as the Coal God and the Steel God, the Brick God and the telescope with different animals’ feet….oh sorry….that was Day 3…bit of a groundhog day moment….must be the Hotel breakfast magic mushrooms.
At the 100 mile café we had remarked on a curious picture on the wall and despite promises from our voluptuous serving wench that her mother would be ‘out reet soon to attend your curiosities and meet yor needs’ it was never so….but……YES, whooped Barry (we urged a double dose of medication but unheeded …sadly)….we were on the Lambton Worm…..this is a serpentine dirt track made form coal soil that reflects a famous Northumberland ballard..’whist lads, haad yer gobs, An aa’ll tell yer’ an awful story, Whist lads haad yer’ gobs, An aa’ll tell yer boot the worm’….well actually I will tell you about how advocate executed a double pike with overhead twist and a double salco for a perfect nine!!!
We all tarried a while to moter along this serpent trail that was designed for skateboarding chavs, the more bold did go down the corkscrews with varying degrees of success….your correspondent and Advocate stayed high….however ..on turning to vacate the Worm….in spectacular slow-motion Nige decided to execute this dive from the top with bike in quick succession….lying on his back in the pond at the bottom ..we applauded once we could stop laughing…and attended his gaping wounds…..very game we thought.
Not much to then recount as we eventually made Sunderland and its surprisingly lovely beach and supped champagne after ploughing through sand to dunk ourselves and bikes in the North Sea….160 miles covered, intact, tired but happy.
Final Addendum: to be serious, at the end, thanks to Nigel, Terry and Barry for an unforgettable experience, great comradeship, companionship and a lot of laughs.
Terry’s organisation was fantastic and made the ride a well oiled experience in terms of stops and recuperation with tremendous thought to the logistics of both bikes and people together with great support from Dave, Mary and Jenny…many, many thanks and I hope the pictures of Hartside Hill will remind you of our exploits, and bring a wry smile when you look at them at the Boffey!
Thanks for getting me to complete the course its made a rather fat Welshman quite proud of my achievement that would not have come about without the Knight Rider team spirit.
Nigel must have special congratulations as he completed this ride with the least sophisticated bike (only 15 gears to our 20 plus) and minimum gear ..how he got up those hills is fantastic.
Barry’s enthusiasm is also due special mention as is the maps and detail that he provided…extra colour that enhanced the experience.
Ride hard or ride home alone….Hi ho Knight Riders. (we are too powerful for our bikes, too powerful for our bikes…) ( sung to the tune of ‘Right said Fred’ ‘We’re too sexy’)
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