Event - Knight Riders 'epic tale'
by Peter - Page 3
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The Knight Riders - an epic tale of yesteryears.
Day Three
The Advocate’s Tale
I know you dear readers are slavering to know who fell victim to the northern witches tender mercies……..but tarry-a-while as we explore and shed light on the quiet man of the KR’s (Knight Riders…decided that the Teacher’s fix for acronyms must be fed…)
Our Advocate, Mr Nigle Meerkat, (no Chris, there is no speeling mishtake…)…is a man of few words (and highly expensive), it is time that light, nay, thrice times ‘nay’…a veritable spotlight is required…
(1) Nigle kindly offered to drive to the Lakes in his Jag (it’s a Mondeo really!) having showed required disdain when we suggested that to lighten the load on OLT-BAAC (Our Leader Terry – Bald As A Coot) and his trusty Land Rover we could carry some bikes….’Jag..uu..ars don’t have bike racks’ he solemnly toned, we touched our fore-locks (well, fore..something anyway….KH (KnobHead) we secretly thought!!)
(2) On reaching Brothey Cootage..’tis on a hill…obviously this is the first time Nigle has driven himself, must have given the chauffer the few days off (probably annual leave)….after four attempts at reversing up hill and two replacement clutches…he disdainfully threw the keys at OLT-BAAC and said ‘You had better do it…your almost local and peasant enough’
OLT-BAAC doffed his battered deer-stalker (curious…always wears a hat…) ‘Aye, aye my Lord..tout de sweet…’ (quaint accent that Lakey District twang)…Jag was snug-un.
(3) At Brothey Cottage ……..and subsequently at ABB&B (Annabelle Branwell’s B&B (Breast and Bottom)….we had noticed a strange side to Nigle Meerkat’s routine….he spent in-ordinate amounts of time grooming in the toilet….so much so that timings were kept….suffice to say…23.5 minutes was a record for the shortest stay…..2 hours and 10.4 was the longest…on questioning, an enigmatic shake of the head and ‘digestions and enemas’ was all he would reveal.
(4) Now, what you have been waiting for is ‘what happened that night?’….well I don’t know the detail, but, on some jumped up pre-text of not being able to sleep because of loud snoring (who?…no idea…I heard nothing and slept soundly every night)…at Brothey Cottage I won’t say anything but I did observe he got double portions of M-CF&CG’s (Mary - Camp Follower and Comfort Giver) gooseberry and elderflower compot…..curiously Nigle also got Double sized Cumberland sausage and double-yoked eggs….and….was served first and personally by ABBB&BB (make it up your-self!).
I hope you now have a better picture of our grey Advocate and see what a dark horse he is….I decided to find out more and vowed to shadow him closely for the rest of the journey….
Saddled up, Barry ‘the Enforcer without a map’, decided the off-road option wasn’t for him and elected for tarmac to Nenthead (I had noticed the jealous and longing looks he had been giving ABBB&BB and wondered if……who knows….!!).
OLT-BAAC said he was for the off-road so I joined the two…I won’t recount too much of the journey but highlights are:
(1) Leader roars off into distance….advocate and I walk up very steep track….idiots we are not….
(2) Leader out of sight…advocate and I chat and take evocative pictures and video of breathtaking countryside, Lake District National Park and approaches to Pennines…what?….out of breath….catching our breath…not at all…
(3) Leader found….bleakest part of uplands…howling wind…scudding clouds….bike upside down….chain hanging forlornly….break-down…..
(4) Leader unable to locate chain-splitter
(5) Leader brandishes link bought and supplied by KR4 (Knight Rider 4 – Peter Davies BFWB)
(6) KR4PDBFWB (me) triumphantly brandishes CHAIN-SPLITTER (his own) and saves the day…HOORAH!! (on video is churlish thankyou from Leader)
(7) Well, wasn’t quite as quick as that as we put the chain back and it wasn’t on first cogs so had to split again and re-link…after much whooping, bonding and camp-fire singing…bit previous really…..still only took us 2.5 hours for 3 miles…..Barry spent a lot of time with AB’s BB&BB…or later at the Pub…we will never know….
Much of the rest of day three was a blur, probably due to lead poisoning as we had inhaled all the dust on the off-road track, as we hurtled down past the old workings……fascinating….leader and Niggle finding no surprise that children of 10 and 12 were up here working..’should be now’ ,was there terse response to my shock and horror…..
Up to the highest point on the ride…Black Hill near The Dodd (613 Meters – 20 ft Imperial) and down hills to Allenheads…. spectacular views and beside the river…… Rookhope Burn, past Linzgarth Arch through to Rookhope Inn for real trencher meal of beef & gravy in baps (not those!) and soup….superb but not quite the preparation for a steep off-road ascent afterwards to re-live Barry’s Haloween pre-nuptuals with Rachel ….(can’t quite work out why he was then exiled to travel across Stanhope Common…a grouse moor…in dead of winter…with snow…reminds me of a story about secretaries and Dublin….another spectacular Durman Disaster that I happened to witness at first hand……).
Leader & Durman had been lost out of sight as Advocate and I leisurely walked up the steep incline, chatting, enjoying the spectacular views, taking stunning pictures and videos….out of breath? …breather….rests…..nonsense!!
Coming to the top past the ruins of the once shooting lodge we were faced with a spectacular view across gorse and heather with two pin pricks (well KH is a kind of prick isn’t it?) of bright yellow and blue in the far horizon….heads down Advocate and I blasted off in pursuit…..dynamic isn’t the word…..
One small incident did occur on the way….I had failed to inform Advocate of my deadly weapon carried on my new super-duper bike, this was the self-jettonising carrier bags……..accidentally, I had pressed the automatic self-protection button on my super-duper bike and as Advocate silently sneaked up (very prone to do this it must be said) to invade my personal space, and over-take me…. the bags deployed…..I heard a strangulated, high-pitched wail and a slight thud…….expecting to see blood and bones as I stopped….miraculously, Advocate had mounted said bags and stayed on his bike…..we continued in sullen silence…..despite my assurances and protestations that this had not been done as a revengefull act on my part because of previous taunts as he roared past me uphill with a backward cry of ’15 gears beats 21…nah, nah ni nar nar’….bit childish for a post 50 year old I felt.
Re-joining our other two riders (companions is stretching it a bit as we hadn’t seen them for two hours) at the 100 mile café (120 mile for us!!) Leaders concubine, Jade-Nan (Fragrant Forget-me-Knot) was at said café with vital refuelling tea and tea-cakes (extra butter was ordered).
The ride was all downhill via the longest gravity fed railway in the known world (thanks be to God) to Consett and the Hotel (I use the word loosely) at Shotley Bridge…….the Grim Reaper had been there…….
Don’t miss the last gripping instalment…..coming soon….
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